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法律英語 |
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| 波士頓法律第二季第七集臺詞Boston legal |
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出處：法律顧問網·涉外www.coinwram.com
時間：2011/1/2 23:34:00 |
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Boston Legal
Truly Madly, Deeply
Season 2, Episode 7
Written by David E. Kelley
2005 David E. Kelley Productions. All Rights Reserved.
Broadcast: November 8, 2005
Transcribed by Imamess
Shirley Schmidt: Did he say what it was about?
Paul Lewiston: No. And I tried to get him to tell me. He said he’d only speak to you.
Shirley Schmidt: Well, I’ve got the Weaks coming in. They’re fighting over the Nantuckett
house again.
Paul Lewiston: He says he’ll only speak to you!
Shirley Schmidt: Dwight! How are you?
Dwight Biddle: Oh. Not good Shirley.
Shirley Schmidt: Why?
Dwight Biddle: Jeanie is leaving me.
Shirley Schmidt: What? Why?
Dwight Biddle: And she’s trying to have the marriage annulled.
Shirley Schmidt: That’s ridiculous. Not to mention impossible. You’ve been married over
twenty years.
Dwight Biddle: She just wants it all erased. As if, as if I never existed I guess.
Shirley Schmidt: Why? What’s gotten into her?
Dwight Biddle: Well it’s more what I’ve gotten into I suppose. I strayed.
Shirley Schmidt: You? Well, I, I, I can’t pretend I’m not shocked. Even so, infidelity isn’t
grounds for annulment. There’s something you’re not telling me.
Dwight Biddle: I strayed with Wendy. You’ve met Wendy
Shirley Schmidt: Wendy. Your cow?
Dwight Biddle: We became very close. One night I’d had a bit to drink I suppose. Jeanie and I
had been a little estranged and…
Shirley Schmidt: You strayed with livestock?
Dwight Biddle: It’s not what you think. It was all very loving. I know Jeanie, she’s gonna try to
make me out a big sicko.
Shirley Schmidt: Gee.
Dwight Biddle: Obviously I made a mistake. But I’ve been a good husband for twenty-three
years, a deacon at our church, a model philanthropist, a respected professor at a major
university town selectman even.
Shirley Schmidt: Ha, ha. You sleep with one cow!
Dwight Biddle: Please don’t make sport, and don’t make light. I don’t wanna lose my wife!
Denise Bauer: You cannot turf this one to me.
Shirley Schmidt: Oh, but I can.
Denise Bauer: Shirley…
Shirley Schmidt: Look. I can defend almost anyone against almost anything, but growing up I
had a cow.
Denise Bauer: You?
Shirley Schmidt: Not sexually! As a pet. Bumpy. I had dogs, cats, a tree frog, but Bumpy. I
cherished that animal. To think what Dwight… I can’t go there Denise.
Denise Bauer: What makes you think I can?
Shirley Schmidt: You’re being asked to. The name of this firm is Crane, Poole and Schmidt.
I’m Schmidt.
Denise Bauer: Shirley, please, I am begging you.
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Shirley Schmidt: Someone’s got to do it Denise. It can’t be me.
Denny Crane: Denny Crane. I don’t know why I’m here. Denny Crane. I’ve been summoned!
Denny Crane. Denny Crane. Denny Crane.
Judge Harvey Cooper: Trial date is set for December the second. We will conference a week
from today.
Denny Crane: Denny Crane. Who the hell called and why? Oh! Denny Crane.
Judge Harvey Cooper: Ah! Mr Crane. Recall Jessel would you please?
Clerk: Document 166253, Commonwealth versus Ronald Jessel.
Judge Harvey Cooper: Mr Crane, you’ve been assigned to represent one of our Indigent
defendants, thank you for coming in.
Denny Crane: No can do Judge.
Judge Harvey Cooper: I beg your pardon?
Denny Crane: Indigent are poor. I hate the poor. Can’t pay you.
Judge Harvey Cooper: Mr Crane this isn’t a request its court order. Unless you think the senior
partners are exempt from civic duty?
Denny Crane: Was it a hooker? I can do hookers.
Judge Harvey Cooper: It’s a murder case. Your client’s right there.
Denny Crane: Defense pleads guilty. We accept the District Attorney’s recommendation for
sentencing. Denny Crane.
Judge Harvey Cooper: Come back this instant or you will help in contempt sir.
Denny Crane: What did you just say?
Judge Harvey Cooper: You will meet your client, you will return here this afternoon to enter
your plea and you will give him adequate representation. He allegedly killed a thirteen-year-old
girl. Hence the presence of the media. He’ll get high profile representation as well. Go!
Denny Crane: Hope you die. Denny Crane.
Denny Crane: Bet you’d lick my shoes for a murder case. Wouldn’t you kid?
Garrett Wells: I would sir.
Denny Crane: Because I like you don’t have to lick ‘em, just dust ‘em with your sleeve.
Garrett Wells: Yes sir.
Marshal Stepcoe: We can’t have a clown waxing on about G8 world issues for God’s sake. It’s
a children’s show!
Brad Chase: When did you fire him?
Marshal Stepcoe: Friday. He filed for the TRO yesterday. Look, this could be a public relations
nightmare. He’s the only Zozo this station has ever had.
Alan Shore: May I help you ladies?
First person waiting: We’re here for the assistant’s position.
Alan Shore: Hmm. Congratulations! You’re hired. Thank you all. To Brad. Let’s go inside.
Brad Chase: Alan! You can’t just do that. You have to at least interview.
Alan Shore: Why? I have a very strong feeling about this one. Can you type?
Melissa: Some
Alan Shore: See?
Dwight Biddle: What happened to Shirley?
Denise Bauer: Shirley likes to assign cases to the hot hand. And right now I’m hot.
Dwight Biddle: I’ve known her since we were kids. She knows me! That’s, that’s why I…
Denise Bauer: Which is exactly why you should be with someone else. Shirley could be too
close to see things objectively.
Dwight Biddle: It’s Bumpy, isn’t it? I had such a crush on that cow. That doesn’t make me gay.
Denise Bauer: Mr Biddle. Have you, uhm, gotten counseling for this?
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Dwight Biddle: Yes. Yes. I’m, I’m working on it. Look Jeanie married me for better or worse.
Right? And for twenty-plus years it’s been a great marriage. I still love her. I don’t wanna lose
her.
In Judge Harvey Cooper’s courtroom.
Garrett Wells: The defense enters a plea of not guilty Your Honor. At this time we would like to
be heard on bail. This matter…
Judge Harvey Cooper: Hold on just a second. Where is Denny Crane?
Garrett Wells: I’m an attorney from Crane, Poole and Schmidt sir. I’m appearing…
Judge Harvey Cooper: I didn’t assign this case to Crane, Poole and Schmidt, I assigned it to
Denny Crane, counsel. Where is he?
Garrett Wells: He’s back at the firm, sir. Look, I asked him to do a little research.
Judge Harvey Cooper: Are you making a joke in my courtroom counsel?
Garrett Wells: No sir.
Judge Harvey Cooper: Step up here counsel. Have you ever tried a case before, counsel?
Garrett Wells: I won my moot court competition at Suffix, sir.
Judge Harvey Cooper: Turn around.
Garrett Wells: What are you going to do?
Judge Harvey Cooper: I asked you to turn around. I see members of the media here! Some of
you have video cameras; I invite you to point them this way. We like to think that all are
entitled to a fair trial in this country, that we have an advocacy system about truth. But the real
truth, the ugly one, is that the Indigent get anything but fairness. On this side we have the
District Attorney with fifty homicide trials under his belt. And here, representing the accused,
we have a boy who won his Moot court competition in law school. This is how it is people; the
poor get the lawyers who can’t get real clients of their own. We have a system where the State
matches the best and the brightest against defense attorneys coming out of a pool of
inexperience and incompetence. It is an insult to our notion of democracy. It makes a mockery
of criminal justice. I will not indulge a mockery in my courtroom. Turn around counsel; put one
arm behind your back as if it were tied. Now stand on one leg as if your client barely has a leg
to stand on with you as his counsel. Now you hop on out of here. Tell Denny Crane if he
doesn’t show up to represent his client he will be jailed. Hah! Now!
Brad Chase: The clown goes up first. Why don’t you take him?
Alan Shore: You have a real name on this guy?
Brad Chase: Yeah. Robert Berrin. He’s been Zozo for thirteen years. I figure I’ll take our client
on direct.
Alan Shore: This is ‘at will’ employment?
Brad Chase: Yes. But the discharge has to be in ‘good faith’, he was up for a big contract
bump, so my bet is they’re gonna argue pretext.
Melissa: Excuse me? Could I steal Alan for one second?
Alan Shore: We’re in a meeting Melissa.
Melissa: Oh! Yeah. It’s just, just, I started thinking I think the high of getting the job kind of… It
just hit me, the criterion on which I was hired, and that I am hired I just thought that I should be
clear. I will not be objectified, I will not be ogled, if I am, I write you up. No touching, no double
entendres, no comments on what I’m wearing, if I get any of that I write you up. I am your
assistant not your subordinate, if you cross that line I write you up. Follow the rules, we should,
we should get along fine.
Brad Chase: I told you to interview.
Reporter:…scene at the courthouse this morning, Channel 8’s own legal analyst Martin Tupper
said he’s never seen anything…
Denny Crane: Judge says to hop, you do it?
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Paul Lewiston: Alright Denny you obviously need to take over this case. We can send Alan in
as backup…
Denny Crane: I don’t need back up.
Paul Lewiston: Denny!
Denny Crane: I can handle this case. I can handle this judge. Homicide? Right?
Garrett Wells: Homicide and rape.
In Judge Jamie Atkinson’s courtroom.
Zozo the Clown: Mr Rogers, Sesame Street, Thomas the Tank Engine, The Magic School
Bus, oh, you name it; all the top children’s entertainers are educators.
Alan Shore: You never said he’d be in costume.
Marshal Stepcoe: Always in public.
Atty. Michael Roper: But Mr Berrin? Why global warming?
Zozo the Clown: Mainly because it’s possibly the number one threat to this planet and our
country is doing almost nothing.
Alan Shore: Can you do the cross?
Atty. Michael Roper: Even so. None of this seems funny. And, ha, you’re a clown.
Zozo the Clown: Global warming could result in a rising sea level that could make a huge part
of the world uninhabitable. We as Americans have a responsibility, the US makes up four
percent of the world’s population, but we produce twenty-five percent of the carbon dioxide
pollution. The most of any country. The United States is the leading cause of global warming.
We need to take a leading role in finding the solution.
Brad Chase: Let’s go, you’re up.
Alan Shore: You go.
Brad Chase: What?
Alan Shore: No questions, Your Honor.
Brad Chase: What are you doing?
Alan Shore: If you wanna cross-examine him Brad, you do it.
Brad Chase: What’s going on?
Alan Shore: Nobody ever said he’d be in costume. I’m afraid of clowns.
Brad Chase: How can anybody be afraid of a clown?
Alan Shore: Keep your voice down.
Brad Chase: Now his testimony goes uncontested.
Alan Shore: You could have crossed.
Brad Chase: I didn’t prep a cross.
Shirley Schmidt: What’s going on?
Brad Chase: He’s afraid of clowns.
Alan Shore: I am not! It was strategy.
Shirley Schmidt: Hey!
Alan Shore: Any calls?
Melissa: Not really. ‘Fraid of clowns? Huh?
In Judge Harvey Cooper’s courtroom.
Judge Harvey Cooper: You cannot enter a plea of guilty.
Denny Crane: Why not?
Judge Harvey Cooper: Is it your intent, sir, to plead guilty to these crimes?
Ronald Jessel: Oh, no sir.
Denny Crane: You’re not gonna take his word for it are you? Come on Judge. If he’d murder
he’d lie.
Judge Harvey Cooper: Step up here Mr Crane.
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Denny Crane: He mumbles.
Judge Harvey Cooper: You can stop trying to get yourself off the case, counsel. That isn’t
gonna happen.
Denny Crane: Look, Judge. I can’t defend a man who raped and murdered a thirteen-year-old
girl.
Judge Harvey Cooper: Somebody’s gotta do it.
Denny Crane: Why me?
Judge Harvey Cooper: Because I said so.
Denny Crane: Which brings me to my second issue.
Judge Harvey Cooper: Which is?
Denny Crane: You’re a douche-bag. I don’t do well with douche-bags.
Judge Harvey Cooper: That won’t work either. You will try this case. All you will accomplish
with this unfettered insolence is a jail sentence for contempt after you’ve tried this case. Do I
make myself clear Mr Crane?
In Judge Clark Brown’s courtroom.
Judge Clark Brown: I can understand that she’s horrified, but annul a marriage?
Atty. Kimberly Mellon: Your Honor. It is so aberrant. It is such an abomination. It is so
abhorrent!
Denise Bauer: And she’s just on the A-words.
Atty. Kimberly Mellon: Let’s go to B then. Bestiality.
Denise Bauer: Is not, never has been grounds for annulment.
Judge Clark Brown: Mrs Biddle. Why erase the whole marriage?
Jeanie Biddle: Because it was never real. He was always in lover with her.
Judge Clark Brown: The cow?
Jeanie Biddle: Over the last ten years or so, sometimes when we’d been together, which was
never a lot, he’d call out her name. Wendy. And before her there was another cow.
Judge Clark Brown: Another cow?
Jeanie Biddle: Queenie. I never caught them but I saw the way he looked at her. And he would
call out her name too and then try to cover by saying I was his queen. This marriage is not
real. And it hurts.
Judge Harvey Cooper: Mr Biddle. I need to hear from you.
Denise Bauer: Why?
Judge Clark Brown: Because I do! It’s shocking! Tomorrow you will sit in that witness chair and
tell me why I shouldn’t annul this union you’ve so disgraced.
Denny Crane: Say, if you request another lawyer the Judge then…
Ronald Jessel: I’m requesting nothing.
Denny Crane: You have to. We don’t get along.
Ronald Jessel: I like you just fine. You’re a big lawyer with big stuff. You’re just what I need.
Denny Crane: Look. I can’t bring myself to defend a man who killed a thirteen year old girl.
Ronald Jessel: Oh! Come on, man. Probably did her a favor.
Denny Crane: What did you say?
Ronald Jessel: I got AIDS, Denny Crane. She could have had a lot of suffering ahead because
I really went to town. You know what I mean? She’s probably lucky I ended it quick.
Denny Crane: Well! If you really have AIDS, there could be other psychological defenses
available to us.
Ronald Jessel: Yeah.
Denny Crane: Like, ah traumatic distress, insanity perhaps. On the other hand.
Ronald Jessel: What you…
Denny Crane: It was an accident. He came at me. I feared for my life. He should probably get
new counsel.
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Alan Shore: When’s the arraignment?
Denny Crane: Paul’s trying to head it off.
Alan Shore: Denny for God’s sake…
Denny Crane: Hell, Alan. I’m old and I’m not going to spend what time I have left, not even a
day, defending child-rapist-killers. I’d rather go to jail myself. I hear you’re afraid of clowns.
Alan Shore: First time in my professional career I actually froze.
Denny Crane: What happened?
Alan Shore: When I was three years old my mother put some decorative, hideous clown face
in my room. It so terrified me I’d wet my bed too afraid to pass him on the way to the
bathroom. When I was eight, I was again terrorized by a clown at a parade, the very same
face. I wet myself right there on the street. And today, the same face, again! I didn’t dare get
up for fear I’d leave a puddle right in the courtroom.
Denny Crane: You do have issues? Don’t you?
Alan Shore: Denny this is serious. You could be looking at real jail time.
In Judge Clark Brown’s courtroom.
Denise Bauer: Dwight. Have you sought professional help?
Dwight Biddle: Yes. My therapist, he said the geneses of my infatuation could have been the
unconditional adoration and acceptance I get from…
Denise Bauer: Wendy.
Dwight Biddle: Yes.
Denise Bauer: And didn’t your therapist also tell you your love for your wife Jeanie is in play
here?
Dwight Biddle: Yes.
Denise Bauer: Could you elaborate?
Dwight Biddle: Well, Jeanie looks a little like a cow. You see? I fell in love with Wendy because
she reminded me of you.
Paul Lewiston: I won’t insult you Scott, by condoning Denny’s actions.
Denny Crane: Self defense.
Paul Lewiston: But a District Attorney and I know you know this because I taught you, a
District Attorney should not bring a case when he lacks a good faith believe of conviction.
Denny Crane: Hero.
Paul Lewiston: Even if you could refute self-defense…
Denny Crane: Jail.
Paul Lewiston: …no jury is going to convict him of wounding a man who raped and strangled a
thirteen year old girl.
D.A. Scott Berger: What message are you asking me to send Paul? If a crime is popular
enough don’t prosecute?
Paul Lewiston: You haven’t got evidence. It’s Denny’s word against a child-rapist.
Denny Crane: Feared for my life.
Paul Lewiston: And since you brooch the topic of popularity, you want to make Attorney
General, Scott. One needs public support to accomplish that. How popular do you think you’ll
be if you prosecute Denny Crane?
Denny Crane: Denny Crane.
In Judge Jamie Atkinson’s courtroom.
Marshal Stepcoe: It’s a children’s show for Gods’ sake. He’s a clown and he’s waxing on about
the end of the world.
Brad Chase: Did you talk to him?
Marshal Stepcoe: Over and over and over. He said he had a social responsibility. My God! We
had viewers clicking over to Aaron Brown for a laugh. Our show became preachy, unfunny,
ratings started to reflect it and we simply had to get a new clown.
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Atty. Michael Roper: Zozo talked about 9-11?
Marshal Stepcoe: Yes. To help children cope.
Atty. Michael Roper: The Columbine shooting?
Marshal Stepcoe: Many times he discussed tragic current events…
Atty. Michael Roper: So you’re firing him for discussing serious subject matter when he’s done
so in the past with your approval?
Marshal Stepcoe: There’s a line. Telling our viewers the planet is about to become extinct
crosses it.
Atty. Michael Roper: After he told the kids to ask their parents about hybrid cars, that’s when
he got fired! Wasn’t it?
Marshal Stepcoe: This has nothing to do with hybrid…
Atty. Michael Roper: WKMW is owned by an oil and gas company.
Marshal Stepcoe: … Nothing to do with our parent company. He wasn’t funny. We needed a
funny clown.
Shirley Schmidt: How’s it going?
Denise Bauer: I’m sitting here trying to come up with closing to defend bestiality. That’s how
it’s going.
Shirley Schmidt: You don’t have to defend it so much as… What’s this?
Denise Bauer: Research. Do you realize that studies show ten to thirty percent of sexually
active adults have fantasized or had some form of encounter with an animal?
Dwight Biddle: Denise, are we ready?
Denise Bauer: All set.
Dwight Biddle: You don’t have to treat me like a leper, Shirley. I don’t have a disease.
Shirley Schmidt: Dwight, you, you’re my friend and I will try to stand by you through this but
let’s not pretend you don’t have a serious illness.
Dwight Biddle: There are worse things than loving an animal.
Shirley Schmidt: Really?! Name three.
Dwight Biddle: You know? I was never gonna tell you this. When you were thirteen and your
parent sent Bumpy away? It wasn’t to some greener pasture where he’d be happier like they
told you. Bumpy went to a slaughter house and then he returned to your freezer. You ate him,
Shirley! So don’t get so high and mighty with me! You ate your precious Bumpy!
Alan Shore: Why should I have to close?
Brad Chase: Why should I? I’ve done everything else.
Alan Shore: Exactly, you’ve got a connection going that I lack.
Brad Chase: Why are you afraid of clowns? Really?
Alan Shore: Because they’re evil, and it simply isn’t right for parents to tell their children to just
trust them so.
Brad Chase: Did a clown ever do anything to you?
Alan Shore: No! They’re just evil.
Brad Chase: Alan? You need to close. First, you have a better grip on this whole global
warming issue which I tend to dismiss as…
Alan Shore: Fuzzy math.
Brad Chase: And second, at some point every man, even the half-evolved kind, needs to
confront his fears. You need to stand up and deliver this closing.
Alan Shore: Will the clown be there?
Reporter: Animal Right’s activists are obviously very upset, though it should be noted there is
no evidence that the cow never complained.
In Judge Clark Brown’s courtroom.
Judge Clark Brown: Your client’s behavior doesn’t shock you, Counsel?
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Denise Bauer: Of course it does, but sex with animals? It’s hardly a new concept. Greek
literature is full of it, so it art, Shigall, Rembrandt, Picasso, they’ve all depicted it. To this day
men still dream of mermaids and what woman hasn’t had a friend with a half-man, half-bull
fantasy. Your Honor, I need you to listen.
Judge Clark Brown: Look. If you intend to romanticize the idea…
Denise Bauer: Shakespear already did that in A Midsummer Night’s Dream. So did Yeats in
his famous poem, Lieda and the Swan. How can these terrified vague fingers push the
feathered glory from her loosened thighs?
Judge Clark Brown: Lord love a duck!
Denise Bauer: So did Lieda. And who can forget King Kong and Faye. And where did Stuart
Little come from?
Judge Clark Brown: Sex with a cow is outrageous. It’s gross!
Denise Bauer: And it’s every bit as shocking as the plaintiff contends but it is not grounds for
annulment. And if you suddenly declare that it is? Watch out! Because there may very well be
more out there than any of us want to believe. He cheated on his wife. She’s entitled to a
divorce, but bestiality is not, never has been grounds for annulment. By the way, in some
states? It’s not even expressly outlawed. Of course she’s humiliated and feeling disgraced. But
that doesn’t change the fact they had a marriage.
D.A. Scott Berger speaking on the television.
D.A. Scott Berger: None of this is to say we believe in Mr Crane’s innocence. We don’t. But we
have to face the reality we lack a good faith believe of securing a conviction. We’re therefore
declining to make an arrest at this time. Personally I am disgusted by his conduct and I will
report his actions to the board of bar overseers.
Denny Crane: The putz!
Paul Lewiston: You oughta be happy.
Denny Crane: I’m not happy. He insulted me on live television.
Shirley Schmidt: You dodged a bullet, Denny!
Denny Crane: And took one right in the ass. The putz!
In Judge Jamie Atkinson’s courtroom. Atty. Michael Roper is giving his closing.
Atty. Michael Roper: He had incorporated many serious subjects into his programs. All with the
stations approval. But when he moved on to global warming, carbon dioxide pollution, he
suddenly had to be stopped? Because he was suddenly less funny? No. Because the station
was owned by Globaco Oil. This discharge was wrongful, it was in bad faith. My client has built
this company’s fortunes for thirteen years being Zozo. It is his livelihood. He’s perhaps the
most popular clown in this country! And this court should issue a TRO to stop this outrageous
travesty of justice.
Alan Shore: I could be wrong but a clown’s main job is to be funny. Global warming is not.
Your Honor, the Artic polar icecap is declining at the rate of nine percent per decade. We’re
talking about a rising sea level that could wipe out huge pieces of the world’s land mass. More
importantly, us! Massachusetts, California, our coast lines. That simply isn’t funny! Unless of
course you live in Nevada. Don’t get me wrong; millions of Americans go to sleep at night
praying that the nation’s number one clown will finally start caring about global warming. But
this is a children’s entertainment show! And let me ask you, “If our own government is allowed
to edit and alter scientific findings, if it can control the information flow on this subject? Why
then shouldn’t a private television station get to enjoy that same freedom?” You’re a clown. Be
funny. Global warming is not.
Paul Lewiston: Thirty-fives years Denny, I have never forbidden you to do anything!
Denny Crane: Don’t start now.
Paul Lewiston: I will call the partners together right now!
Shirley Schmidt: What’s going on?
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Paul Lewiston: He’s going on… Larry King!
Shirley Schmidt: What?
Paul Lewiston: Tonight. He’s catching the seven o’clock shuttle.
Shirley Schmidt: Denny, you can’t be serious?
Denny Crane: Why does everybody insist I can’t be serious? This guy Charlie slathered me on
live television!
Shirley Schmidt: I think you mean slandered.
Denny Crane: Well. I’ll have the last word.
Paul Lewiston: Listen to me. They could still bring charges if you say something to incriminate
yourself.
Denny Crane: Give me some credit. Will you Paul?
Paul Lewiston: Credit? You shot out your client’s kneecaps!
Denny Crane: The public needs to hear from Denny Crane! Humor me, will you?
Shirley Schmidt: Please God have mercy?
Alan Shore: How could you not stop him?
Paul Lewiston: We tried to stop him. We tried to get you to stop him.
Alan Shore: Larry King?
Brad Chase: Alan? Judge is back with a ruling. Let’s go.
Alan Shore: Tonight?
Brad Chase: Come on.
Alan Shore: Can’t you go by yourself? It’s just a ruling.
Brad Chase: You’re doing this.
In Judge Clark Brown’s courtroom.
Judge Clark Brown: Disgusting! Regrettably this fetish with animals may indeed be more
prevalent than we’d like to think. And it’s a slippery slope. Many women derive sexual pleasure
riding on a horse. Sick! But we can’t go around annulling marriages every time Debbie goes
for a canter! Gross! I’m afraid your only legal recourse Mrs Biddle, is divorce. Sick! We’re
adjourned.
Denise Bauer: Congratulations.
Dwight Biddle: Thank you. To his wife. I may have manifested my love for you in ways that
brought you shame, perhaps revulsion, but I do love you. And ah, love is hard enough to find
Jeannie without attaching a lot of restrictions.
Jeanie Biddle: A lot of restrictions? It’s not like I set of ground rules. But limiting yourself to a
single species is one of them. Our species, Dwight.
Dwight Biddle: I broke it off. I’m gonna get rid of her. I think I’d like to sell the whole farm. Move
to the city, outside of all temptation.
Jeanie Biddle: You broke it off?
Dwight Biddle: Yes.
Jeanie Biddle: You’re never going to see her again?
Dwight Biddle: I promise.
Larry King: Welcome back to Larry King live, and with me now is Denny Crane the legendary
Boston attorney who, just yesterday, apparently opened fire on his own client!
Denny Crane: It was self-defense.
Larry King: You’re kidding. Self-defense? You’re not really asking people to believe that?
Denny Crane: Larry. It’s a crime to shoot people. Even child-raping, murdering, schmucks!
Like my client was and still is.
Larry King: Okay. But, clearly you’re not saying if a defendant is repugnant enough? Fair
game? You’re entitled as a criminal defense attorney to shoot someone? No, no, no. Come
on.
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Denny Crane: It was self-defense. Even if I did simply choose to shoot him which I didn’t
because it’s against the law? So what?
Larry King: So what?
Denny Crane: Larry. You know what the real problem is? Too many criminals get away with it.
We got hundreds of thousands of unsolved murders in this country.
Larry King: So what you’re saying is, “It’s okay for defense lawyers to take the law into their
own hands.”?
Denny Crane: No! Come on. You know what’s gonna happen to this child-rapist, murdering,
scum? Ashcroft, God bless him, he’s gonna swoop in and he’s gonna transfer this case to the
federal court so we can impose the death penalty.
Larry King: Denny, Ashcroft is no longer the Attorney General.
Denny Crane: Well. Well then, the Spanish guy. Even better. My client’s gonna get the death
penalty, bad knees and all, because he deserves it. Then all the bleeding liberals and all of
Hollywood will come running to defend him. Make him a cause celeb. But who’s crying for the
thirteen year old girl? The problem with the criminal justice system is the criminals have more
rights, they get more attention, they get more sympathy than the victims! It’s disgusting, Larry.
It’s, it’s, aaah. It’s disgusting, let’s go to the listeners. Hey! Donna in Cincinnati, what do you
got?
In Judge Jamie Atkinson’s courtroom.
Judge Jamie Atkinson: And while I find that the petitioner may very well have a legitimate
cause of action, I don’t find such a substantial likelihood of victory that would allow me to issue
a TRO. Accordingly I find for the defendant. I wish you all good luck and a satisfactory
resolution. Adjourned.
Marshal Stepcoe: Oh. Thank you both. That’s a relief.
Brad Chase: You’re going to have to settle this.
Marshal Stepcoe: We will.
Alan Shore: Okay then! Let’s go home.
Brad Chase: Alan? You have to do this. You’re forty-four years old. Tell him you’re a fan.
Shake his hand.
Alan Shore: Will you go with me?
Brad Chase: Right by your side.
Alan Shore: Ah, Mr Zozo, I a, I just wanted to say how much I’ve always enjoyed your work.
Zozo the Clown: Thank you. Would you like to squeeze my nose?
Alan Shore: No, no, no. You’ve been more than kind.
Brad Chase: Alan?
Alan Shore: Well. Perhaps one little squeeze.
Denny Crane: You waited up for me?
Alan Shore: And I’ve been frantic. You out at all hours.
Denny Crane: He chuckles. Did you see the show?
Alan Shore: I did. You were inimitable. Denny what possessed you?
Denny Crane: Everybody’s so convinced I lost it. I was becoming convinced myself. So I
decided to sail it anyway. And I was Denny Crane.
Alan Shore: He chuckles. Yes you were. I squeezed a clown’s nose tonight.
Denny Crane: Good for you!
Alan Shore: Guess we’re never too old to conquer our fears.
Denny Crane: I got a call from the Republican National Party tonight. They think I might have
future in politics. They wanna put some feelers out, maybe, me running for mayor.
Alan Shore: Of Boston?
Denny Crane: Uh huh.
Alan Shore: We wouldn’t get to be flamingos again.
Denny Crane: Of course we would.
11
Alan Shore: What would you do as mayor Denny, really?
Denny Crane: Oh, I don know. I’d attack Rhode Island. Small. What was the word you used to
describe me on the show tonight?
Alan Shore: Inimitable.
Denny Crane: That’s it. That’s the kind of mayor I’d be. Inimitable. It’s fun being me. Is it fun
being you?
Alan Shore: Most of the time yes, actually.
Denny Crane: Well, what else is there?
Alan Shore: Indeed.
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