1
Boston Legal
Oral Contracts
Season 4, Episode 8
Written by: David E. Kelley
© 2007 David E. Kelley Productions. All Rights Reserved
Airdate: December 4, 2007
Transcribed by Sheri for boston-legal.org [version updated December 7, 2007]
Thanks to Dana for scaps
Transcribed from aired episode; this is not an official script
Courthouse Men’s Room
Denny Crane enters, panting, sets his briefcase on the sink ledge, and loudly passes gas, clutching his
belly uncomfortably. He hears someone in one of the stalls and winces, realizing he’s not alone. He
looks under the stalls to see which one is occupied, and enters the stall next to it. He sets down his
briefcase close to the door, lowers his trousers, and perches on the commode. Obviously uncomfortable
and having “stage fright,” he settles in and tries to make himself more comfortable to hasten the process,
moves his leg to one side and taps his foot and hums. Just when he’s relaxing, there are 5 sharp knocks
on his stall door, and Denny Crane rises, pulling up his pants. He opens the door to see Officer Brian
Whistler and a uniformed cop.
Officer Brian Whistler: Sir, could you step out of the stall, please?
Denny Crane steps out of the stall, a large undercover cop stepping out of the other stall next to his.
Officer Brian Whistler: Sir, could I see some identification, please?
Denny Crane: It’s a courthouse! Denny Crane! I don’t need to identify myself in a courthouse.
Officer Brian Whistler: Just place your hands behind your back, sir.
Denny Crane: Why?
Officer Brian Whistler: Sir, you are under arrest for solicitation.
Denny Crane: What?!
Officer Brian Whistler: You have the right to remain silent.
Denny Crane: Solicit—who the hell did I solicit?
Officer Brian Whistler: Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law. You have the right to
an attorney.
Denny Crane pulls out his trusty
communicator cell phone with the telltale
sound effect.
Officer Brian Whistler: Sir, please put your
hands behind your back, now.
Denny Crane: talking into the
communicator cell phone Alan—
Officer Brian Whistler: All right, that’s it.
Get him down right away.
Denny Crane: Hey! Wait!
Undercover cop and uniformed cop
wrestle Denny Crane to the ground, as:
Denny Crane: Ww—Damn! No! Alan! Alan!
Pick up, will ya? Alan! Pick up! Alan? Alan!
[credits]
Officer Brian Whistler’s Office
Officer Brian Whistler: He did all the known signals for solicitation; in fact, he was quite methodical about it.
Denny Crane: He’s full of crap.
Alan Shore: Denny.
Denny Crane: Well, so was I, but I was constipated.
Alan Shore just shakes his head, trying to listen to both of them at once.
Alan Shore: What kn—known signals?
Officer Brian Whistler: Well, first he came in; looked under the stall doors. Then, he entered a stall next to an
occupied one. He slid his briefcase to the front, making his feet visible to the adjacent occupant.
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Denny Crane: Oh, puh-lease. I—
Alan Shore finds this all quite amusing. He turns to Denny Crane to quietly shush him.
Officer Brian Whistler: He then moved his foot over, then he began to hum quietly. Then he tapped his foot four
times, up and down.
Denny Crane: Look, now. First, we—
Alan Shore: hand on Denny Crane’s chest Denny.
Officer Brian Whistler: Sir, there’s really no point in denying this.
Alan Shore: Unless you consider “innocence” a point. Would that be a point worth considering?
Officer Brian Whistler: These are well-known solicitation signals.
Alan Shore scoffs, mouthing “well known.”
Officer Brian Whistler: You didn’t even go to the bathroom, by the way, did you?
Denny Crane: now exasperated Because I was constipated! Did we not go over this?
Alan Shore nods.
Officer Brian Whistler: My suggestion is that you make this go away quietly.
Denny Crane: slowly Bribe. I knew it.
Officer Brian Whistler: I’m not suggesting a bribe. My recommendation’s that you plead guilty to disorderly
conduct.
Alan Shore: laughing He’s not gonna plead guilty to anything.
Officer Brian Whistler: You really want these charges to be made public?
Alan Shore: This sounds an awful lot like
extortion, Officer Whistler.
Officer Brian Whistler: It’s not extortion. I’m just
saying: Your choice—disorderly conduct and a
small fine or a public trial for solicitation to have
gay sex.
Alan Shore: rising, preparing to exit Trial.
Denny Crane: also rising Wait; wait, wait, wait,
wait.
Alan Shore: Denny. Trial.
Denny Crane tries to make his point again,
wagging his finger at Officer Brian Whistler.
Alan Shore gently restrains him from any
further remonstration.
Crane, Poole & Schmidt: Reception Area
Ding of elevator, and the doors open; Alan Shore and Denny Crane step out.
Alan Shore: Why are you angry with me?
Denny Crane: ‘Cause I could’ve made this thing go away—quietly. You’re making it into a cause.
Alan Shore: I am not, Denny. You’re being “Larry Craig-ed” here and it isn’t fair.
Denny Crane: But with a public trial! It’s one thing for people to think I’ve got, uh, with the usual gesture
Alzheimer’s, or I’ve lost my mind pulls Alan Shore close to whisper but for them to think I’m gay?
Alan Shore: For God’s sake! You cannot plead guilty! It’s a ridiculous charge. The police had no bus—
And he turns to walk right into Carl Sack.
Carl Sack: What’s goin’ on?
Alan Shore: Uh, Denny had a little misunderstanding this morning.
Alan Shore and Carl Sack exchange glares.
Alan Shore: In an effort to relieve some mild . . . constipation, he unwittingly agreed to be a whistleblower for an
undercover police officer. shrugs
Denny Crane: It happens.
Alan Shore: He’s being arraigned this afternoon. I’m moving for an immediate dismissal. gulps; smiles
Crane, Poole & Schmidt: Shirley Schmidt’s Office
Shirley Schmidt enters, to see Bob Binder waiting on her couch.
Shirley Schmidt: “The Battleship”—as I live and breathe!
Bob Binder: rising to shake hands with Shirley Schmidt Wow! You get more and more beautiful.
Shirley Schmidt: Who’s suing you now?
They step back to the couches and sit.
Bob Binder: I take it you haven’t heard.
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Shirley Schmidt: Uh, oh.
Bob Binder: I got fired, Shirl.
Shirley Schmidt: What?
Bob Binder: As of now, you’re looking at an unemployed shock jock.
Shirley Schmidt: What did you say?
Bob Binder: Oh, nothing too bad, but as far as the
station’s concerned—
Shirley Schmidt: What did you say?
Bob Binder: Well, something like: Old people
should die.
Shirley Schmidt: You said that on the air?
Bob Binder: Oh, c’mon. It’s the radio, for God’s
sakes! If you can’t be vulgar there— Free speech!
Rah! Look, seriously, Shirley; I’m not a young man.
If I lose this gig, I may not get another one. I need to
fight this.
Shirley Schmidt: scoffs “Old people should die.”
Bob Binder: Free speech. Rah.
Shirley Schmidt: Rah.
Crane, Poole & Schmidt: Hallway
Denny Crane and Alan Shore are walking toward the Conference Room.
Denny Crane: Why would Paul want to see us? Obviously, Sack told him. Maybe Paul is gay.
Lorraine Weller passes by.
Denny Crane: God, why can’t I have that?
Crane, Poole & Schmidt: Conference Room
Paul Lewiston is sitting on the table and Carl Sack on a chair at the table. Alan Shore knocks and opens
the door, allowing Denny Crane to enter ahead of him.
Alan Shore: Ahh, I see someone has run to the principal’s office.
Paul Lewiston: Hello, Alan; Denny. How are you?
Denny Crane: Not gay.
Paul Lewiston: nods Yes. Carl has shared with me the latest. I’m told there’s a chance of making this go away
with a disorderly conduct plea.
Alan Shore: That was rejected.
Paul Lewiston: May I ask why?
Alan Shore: He’s innocent, Paul.
Paul Lewiston: Alan, you know and I know that the charges alone—
Alan Shore: Denny’s been charged with crimes before.
Paul Lewiston: This one leaves its own special tarnish.
Carl Sack: Even an outright acquittal wouldn’t amount to exoneration. We need to dispose of this as quietly as
possible.
Alan Shore: chuckling This is ridiculous! He’s
being railroaded by some overzealous cop who’s
staking out a bathroom! I don’t know if it’s more
offensive or silly.
Paul Lewiston: Denny, may I speak to you in
private?
Carl Sack: rises Let’s go, Al. Let’s give ‘em
some special time.
Alan Shore: If you care to leave, Carl, please do
so, but, Paul, anything you have to say to Denny,
you can say—
Paul Lewiston: With all due respect to your
friendship, Denny and I go back almost 40 years.
Alan Shore: Wow! You really are old, Paul.
Denny Crane: Go ahead, Alan; bond with Carl for
a second. No sleepovers!
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With a meaningful nod from Paul Lewiston, Carl Sack returns the nod and exits behind Alan Shore, and
Denny Crane sits at the table with a sigh.
Paul Lewiston: Carl Sack has the job of worrying about the firm; I was happy to pass that baton. I’m concerned
about you. I see Alan all poised here to climb on his soapbox, but at whose expense?
Denny Crane: If I plead to disorderly, the papers’ll make straw out of that as well.
Paul Lewiston: Denny . . . your grip on your position here as senior partner—I know you know—is a little tenuous.
This may be all the managing partners need to finally take your name off the door.
Denny Crane: That’s why I need to be vindicated.
Paul Lewiston: And should you lose?
Denny Crane: Paul . . . right or wrong, I—I need to go out as “Denny Crane.” I don’t want my legacy to— sigh
It’s worth risking my job to save my reputation.
Paul Lewiston: I’m afraid you may lose both.
Denny Crane: Not if we win. “All or nothing”—you and I used to say that all the time. Remember?
Judge Victoria Thompson’s Courtroom
Shirley Schmidt and Bob Binder enter.
Bob Binder: W—why a judge, and not a jury?
Shirley Schmidt: Juries can’t give equitable relief, plus they don’t especially enjoy being summoned for something
trivial like First Amendment.
Bethany Horowitz: as camera pans stage left, then down
Well, well, well.
Shirley Schmidt: Bethany!
Bethany Horowitz: Shirley. Wow! You’ve let yourself go. I find
that refreshing. It’s so nice to see an elderly person who is not
afraid to look her age.
Shirley Schmidt: Yes, well, vanity can be quite the beast, I
suppose. I see you’re wearing heels.
Bethany Horowitz: Dwarf jokes; classy.
Male Court Clerk: All rise. In re: Binder vs WWEN—Boston,
Judge Victoria Thompson presiding. This court is in session.
Shirley Schmidt: Good morning, Your Honor. Shirley Schmidt
for the plaintiff.
Judge Victoria Thompson: I’m not interested. Who’s the
station manager?
Guy Flanders: Uh, I am, Your Honor.
Bethany Horowitz: And my name is Bethany Horowitz, I represent WWEN, and why are you staring?
Judge Victoria Thompson: ‘Cause I almost bought that same outfit. Set your itty bitty self down. Mr. Flanders, in
the witness chair, now. Move it.
Bethany Horowitz: But wait a second! They’re the ones suing.
Judge Victoria Thompson: I know that. I want to hear from him. Now!
Denny Crane’s Office
Denny Crane is watching Gracie Jane on his HDTV. A
banner states:
“PERVERT ALERT!
DENNY CRANE’S SORDID PIT STOP
PROMINENT LAWYER CLOSETED HOMOSEXUAL?”
Gracie Jane: Denny Crane in a men’s room! Don’t you just
love that? Another “family values advocate” looking to use
another man’s private part as a sippy cup!
Denny Crane groans.
Gracie Jane: Time to go to church now, Denny. Time to get in
touch with God. Off to rehab we go. Doesn’t it just want to make you snorkel in your mother’s vomit?
Denny Crane: clicking the TV off I can’t take it! The press is into it. I’m gay fodder; I can’t take it!
Alan Shore: Come on, Denny. Let’s just get to court.
Denny Crane: That woman—of all people—knows I am straight. She told me it was the best sex she ever had
since her brother in ninth grade. She told me!
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Crane, Poole & Schmidt: The Elevator Bank
Alan Shore and Denny Crane enter, continuing their conversation.
Denny Crane: We go for immediate dismissal—none of this continuance crap.
Alan Shore: Immediate.
Lorraine Weller is waiting for an elevator.
Alan Shore: Lorraine.
Lorraine Weller: Alan. Denny.
Denny Crane: Would you be riding on the elevator with us?
Lorraine Weller: Think you can handle it, Denny?
Denny Crane: guffaws, then serious Well, maybe not. I—I don’t know whether you’ve heard about my, um,
predicament.
Lorraine Weller: I heard that you were humming in the men’s room. That predicament?
Denny Crane: Yeah, that. Rumors are ugly things,
Lorraine. I’ll bet there are some about you.
Lorraine Weller: I wouldn’t know.
Denny Crane: Neither would I. laughs There are
security cameras on these elevators. If I were to have
sex on one with, uh, a woman, that would dispel the
horrible rumor that I, uh, ah, you know? Ah—
Lorraine Weller: Like to hum in men’s rooms.
Denny Crane: Would you mind?
Lorraine Weller: Not at all, Denny. But I’m involved,
so I can’t.
This obviously saddens Alan Shore, who breaks
off eye contact with her to stare blankly at her . . .
neck.
Denny Crane: Please? It’s an emergency.
Lorraine Weller: Perhaps you should call “9-9-9.”
The elevator arrives with a “ding” as Katie Lloyd,
standing at the receptionist’s desk, notes the
comment. Lorraine Weller steps onto the elevator.
Alan Shore: What’s his name?
Lorraine Weller: I’m sorry?
Alan Shore: Uh, the boyfriend. What’s his name?
Elevator doors close as Alan Shore and Denny
Crane both wait for the answer.
Denny Crane: Were we meant to get on that?
Alan Shore rolls his eyes, and pushes the “down
button,” calling another elevator.
Crane, Poole & Schmidt: Break Room
Lorraine Weller takes a cup of coffee to one of the café tables to study a brief. Katie Lloyd enters.
Katie Lloyd: Hey, Lorraine!
Lorraine Weller: Katie.
Katie Lloyd: How are you liking working here so far, aside from the misogynistic bits and pieces?
Lorraine Weller: Oh, it’s fine. Personally, I enjoy being objectified. It’s a wonderful prophylactic if one doesn’t
care to be really known.
Katie Lloyd: I s’pose. Somehow, I feel I know you. Have we met before Crane, Poole & Schmidt?
Lorraine Weller: I don’t believe we have.
Katie Lloyd: Odd. Have you ever spent time in England?
Lorraine Weller: I haven’t actually, though I’ve always wanted to go.
Katie Lloyd: Just thought perhaps . . . when Denny said earlier he had an emergency, you said call “9-9-9”? It’s
“9-1-1,” actually.
Lorraine Weller: Of course it is. I said “9-9-9”?
Katie Lloyd: Yes. Which coincidentally is the number one calls for emergencies in England.
Lorraine Weller: I guess that is a coincidence.
Katie Lloyd: Yes.
Lorraine Weller nods, then gathers up her papers and portfolio and exits.
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Lorraine Weller: ‘Bye, Katie. Hope the rest of your day goes well.
Katie Lloyd: You, too.
Judge Victoria Thompson’s Courtroom
Guy Flanders: in the witness stand Look, it’s all about
sales. Here, we’re faced with advertiser pull-out, a
boycott by listeners.
Bethany Horowitz: questioning the witness. But he’s a
shock jock. This is what he does.
Guy Flanders: Yes. And if he makes money for us, it’s
fine. If he doesn’t— snaps fingers —he goes. It’s
nothing personal here.
Bethany Horowitz: He’s been saying outrageous things
for 25 years.
Guy Flanders: Yes, and a lot of people have been
listening to him for 25 years.
Bethany Horowitz: So, what’s changed?
Guy Flanders: Those listeners are old now. I—if he
wants to put down blacks or Jews or Episcopalians, fine.
But our demographic is “Baby Boomers.” Insulting old people—it affects our bottom line! It’s a “no-can-do.”
Shirley Schmidt: now questioning the witness. So, you admit that what he said is in the context of social
commentary.
Guy Flanders: So what?
Shirley Schmidt: So what? You’re primarily a news station.
Guy Flanders: No, we’re primarily a profit center, like every other news station.
Shirley Schmidt: You had Ann Coulter on the show last week as a guest.
Guy Flanders nods.
Shirley Schmidt: This is the woman who referred to John Edwards using the homosexual “f”-word.
Guy Flanders: laughs No one takes Ann Coulter seriously. Uh, she’s a joke! Since Bob is actually respected for
his political commentary, his remarks are more dangerous.
Shirley Schmidt: You don’t see a problem firing a political commentator for making a political comment?
Guy Flanders: shaking his head Not really.
Shirley Schmidt: Huh.
Judge Clark Brown’s Courtroom
Packed with observers, including people with TV cameras.
Female Court Clerk: Case Number 66266: The Commonwealth vs Denny Crane.
Alan Shore: Alan Shore, appearing for Mr. Crane. I would ask that this arraignment be quashed immediately.
Judge Clark Brown: You cannot quash an arraignment!
Alan Shore: But you can, Your Honor, and you should here, because if you look at the facts, you’ll see that even
as alleged, they don’t support the charges being filed. No money ever changed hands—
ADA Norman Wilson: You don’t have to go that far. It’s an inchoate crime.
Alan Shore: But suppose he just “hit” on another man
he found attractive?
Denny Crane: Oh, my God!
Alan Shore: Are you saying it’s a crime for one man to
propose sex to another?
ADA Norman Wilson: In some states, it probably is.
Alan Shore: chortling But this is Massachusetts! The
home of Mitt Romney, a man who was once okay with
gay unions. quick to add Though he’s not okay with
them now. Let’s all be clear on that.
Judge Clark Brown: bangs his gavel I will not have
you attacking my governor.
Alan Shore: Judge, you shouldn’t even be on this case.
If you’ll remember, I once defended you on a subject
very near and dear to this one.
Judge Clark Brown: I can be impartial, and I shall be.
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And you cannot quash an arraignment. If you want to try to kick it after charges are filed—
Alan Shore: A—A—And that’s Mr. Crane’s choice? To plead out or face public ridicule? Have you noticed all the
cameras, by the way? It’s extortion! This is a witch hunt. The DA’s office probably targeted Mr. Crane because of
all the bad blood between our firm—
Judge Clark Brown: This is the United States of America! Our system of justice does not dictate to District
Attorneys who should or should not be prosecuted.
Alan Shore just stares at Judge Clark Brown, mouth open, but nothing coming out, for a LONG beat.
Judge Clark Brown: Your points may be good ones, but
they are to be decided by the trier of fact, which in this
case, is the jury. This case’ll go to trial. Adjourned!
bangs gavel
ADA Norman Wilson: to Alan Shore and Denny Crane
Disorderly is still on the table.
Alan Shore: quietly, to Denny Crane Denny, maybe
you should consider making a deal here. If you get
convicted—
Denny Crane: Uh, uh. No. We’ll go to trial.
Alan Shore: Are you sure? Don’t do this because of me.
Denny Crane: I’m doing it because of me. We go to trial.
But you have to win it.
Alan Shore: Huh. nods
Denny Crane turns Alan Shore around to face him
again. Alan Shore smiles hesitantly, then escorts him
out of the courtroom, patting Denny Crane’s back.
Crane, Poole & Schmidt: Corridor
Katie Lloyd and Whitney Rome are walking, talking.
Whitney Rome: Familiar? How?
Katie Lloyd: I just feel I’ve seen her before or— Don’t
you think it’s odd? She’s never been to England and she
said, “Call 9-9-9”?
Whitney Rome: It could be a coincidence.
Katie Lloyd: I also detect an English accent.
Whitney Rome: You do? Really?
Katie Lloyd: Well, sometimes. Barely noticeable.
Whitney Rome: Why don’t we just Google her?
Katie Lloyd: I did. I didn’t find anything. I know this is
horrible of me to say, but for some reason I just have this
feeling she’s a criminal.
Whitney Rome: I thought you liked everybody?
Katie Lloyd: Oh, I do. And I like her; I just—
Whitney Rome: -- think she’s a criminal. Katie nods.
Judge Victoria Thompson’s Courtroom
Shirley Schmidt: Questioning the witness. A lot of people were hugely offended by what you said.
Bob Binder: But what I said was political commentary; moreover, it was important.
Judge Victoria Thompson: Important?
Bethany Horowitz: Starts to rise out of her chair. Och. This I gotta hear.
Judge Victoria Thompson: You set your itty bitty little self down.
Bethany Horowitz: I want that on the record.
Shirley Schmidt: How was the content important, Bob?
Bob Binder: Our government—at least on a national level—is becoming little more than an income transfer
mechanism from younger workers to the old retirees. Social Security, Medicare, Medicaid already take up over
40% of the federal budget, and, in the next 25 years, the number of people over 65 is expected to double. Now,
does anybody “get” what that means? We could be heading for a day when the bulk of our federal budget goes to
subsidizing retirees. None of the politicians will even talk about it. Why? Because who’s primarily funding this
next election? Baby Boomers!
Bethany Horowitz: Now questioning the witness. So your solution is for old people to die?
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Bob Binder: I was making a point in a provocative way.
Bethany Horowitz: An offensive, indecent, disgusting
way!
Shirley Schmidt: I’m gonna just wing it and say,
“Argumentative.”
Bethany Horowitz: I didn’t interrupt your questions. What
is this?
Shirley Schmidt: They’re called, “objections,” Bethany.
They’re allowed now.
Bethany Horowitz: I ask the court to sanction this rude,
bitchy-do person.
Judge Victoria Thompson: Counsel, just ask your
questions and try not to give in to your good nature.
Bethany Horowitz: You are aware, sir, that Baby
Boomers make up a big part of your listening audience?
Bob Binder: I am. Uh, the irony is—
Bethany Horowitz: I’m not interested in irony. I find nothing ironic about calling for the genocide of an entire class
of people.
Bob Binder: You sure like to come on strong, don’t you?
Shirley Schmidt: Better to be a cannon than get shot out of one. grins—big
Judge Victoria Thompson has a hard time holding
back a laugh.
Bethany Horowitz: I saw that! I want this entire
transcript expedited so that I can personally deliver it
to the Anti-Defamation League, which, at this moment,
is probably listening to a recording of this man’s jihad
against the elderly.
Judge Victoria Thompson: All right. I’ve heard
enough of your little self.
Bethany Horowitz: How ‘bout you and I both refrain
from commenting on the other’s size?
Judge Victoria Thompson casts an evil glare at
Bethany Horowitz.
Bethany Horowitz: with an equally evil glare Bring it
on, Judgie-Do! I’m not goin’ anywhere.
Crane, Poole & Schmidt: Break Room
Clarence Bell: What do you mean there’s
something up with her?
Katie Lloyd: You don’t think there’s anything
suspicious about her?
Clarence Bell: Because she said “9-9-9”?
Whitney Rome: You’re right. To Clarence
Bell: Hey, Clarence. Back to Katie Lloyd:
I’ve got a friend at the IRS. I had them do a
little search on her tax records. Dates back
7 years and stops. She never filed before
that.
Katie Lloyd: Maybe she didn’t work before
then.
Whitney Rome: Ever? scoffs And it gets
better. To Clarence Bell: You don’t say,
“Hey!” back? To Katie Lloyd: She
graduated law school from the University of Chicago in 1999. In her résumé, it says she attended Georgetown
before that. Georgetown has no record of any Lorraine Weller. I ran a Social Security record search; no
evidence of her prior to attending the University of Chicago. I never trusted her.
Katie Lloyd: So then, the question becomes: If she’s not Lorraine Weller—
Clarence Bell: Who is she?
9
Judge Clark Brown’s Courtroom
Officer Brian Whistler: Look. These are the signals. I didn’t make them up. He looked under the stall, moved his
foot to the side, then his bag, tapped his foot and hummed. Come on!
ADA Norman Wilson: Questioning the witness. At that point, you moved in.
Officer Brian Whistler: We asked him to step out of the stall and then we arrested him.
Alan Shore: Now questioning the witness. Why didn’t you wait for him to do something more . . . definitive?
Officer Brian Whistler: What he’d already done was definitive.
Alan Shore: Okay; suppose somebody was just out looking for some action—not prostitution, but action. They
hear that there might be some in the bathroom, and—I mean, is that a crime now? To—to hit on somebody?
Officer Brian Whistler: These were known signals for prostitution.
Alan Shore: But you didn’t wait for money to change hands.
Officer Brian Whistler: We thought we had enough to go on.
Alan Shore: Come on! So if someone has a bag in his hand, a tune in his head, and needs to poop, he better
watch out. Commit the wrong ambiguous gesture and he’s
looking at the slammer. I guess they play a lot of footsie in
there.
ADA Norman Wilson: Objection!
Judge Clark Brown: Sustained.
Alan Shore: Your Honor, at this time I move for a directed
finding of not guilty. The prosecution’s failed to meet its
burden of proof, and—
Judge Clark Brown: Denied!
Alan Shore: Okay. I move to remove you on the grounds of
horrible judging. There’s a pattern of it, actually.
Judge Clark Brown: Denied!
Alan Shore: Judge, I’ve seen you go in that men’s room.
Judge Clark Brown bangs his gavel three times, as Alan
Shore nods, raising his eyebrow.
Crane, Poole & Schmidt: Carl Sack’s Office
Carl Sack: What do you mean, you might lose?
Alan Shore: Well, I should win. They’ve got no
transaction, but—
Paul Lewiston: But what?
Alan Shore: settling into a chair Ah . . . I have to put
Denny on the stand.
Paul Lewiston: exasperated Oh. Is there any way
around that?
Alan Shore: chortling I don’t think so. This way, he’s
gotta tell his story, and, in doing so, he would then
become . . . our defense.
Paul Lewiston: Dear God!
Judge Clark Brown’s Courtroom
Denny Crane: I had terrible, terrible gas. I have it a lot.
Alan Shore: So, what did you do?
Denny Crane: talking to the jury Well, I went into the bathroom hoping to relieve it, with a—a bowel movement.
I have them a lot.
Alan Shore: insinuating himself between Denny Crane and the jury Uh, Denny; please.
Denny Crane: Upon entering the men’s room, I, um, farted. I do that a lot.
Alan Shore: Denny.
Denny Crane: Oh. I entered a vacant stall, and I proceeded to, uh, do my business. Only I was constipated, so I
had difficulty.
Alan Shore: Uh, did you engage in all these signals they’ve been talking about?
10
Denny Crane: Well, uh, uh, I slid my briefcase out of the
way, and moved my foot to the side cause I like to give
myself a wide berth when I’m impacted. And I, uh,
began to h—hum, because it’s a relaxing technique, and
I—I started tapping my foot to give my hum a beat.
Denny Crane hums—and taps—a little to
demonstrate.
Alan Shore: So, you didn’t go into the bathroom looking
for sex?
Denny Crane: Oh, Gawd, no! Oh, I’ve had sex in
bathroom stalls before, sometimes for money, but
always, always with a woman. To Judge Clark Brown:
I’m a heterosexual. To the jury: And I think being gay is
a sin—it’s against God; it’s against the President; it’s bad
for the troops!
Alan Shore: How could the police officer misinterpret it?
Denny Crane: ‘Cause he’s an idiot! And by the way, I
have gay friends. And they like to look at the
merchandise, just like anybody else. They’re not gonna
just have sex with whoever in the next stall! Sight
unseen! They might be sick, but they’re not stupid!
ADA Norman Wilson: Now on cross-examine. It’s just a
total coincidence that you engaged in all these known
signals to have sex?
Denny Crane: Well, not known to me. Ha. So, you
know. You gay?
ADA Norman Wilson: I am, as a matter of fact. Does
that make a difference?
Denny Crane: Well, a big one if I were looking to get
laid.
ADA Norman Wilson: You would never sleep with a
man?
Denny Crane: Never.
Alan Shore doesn’t look too pleased with where this
is heading.
ADA Norman Wilson: Never have a sleepover with a
male friend?
Denny Crane: looks like he’s catching on, too Well,
that’s different.
ADA Norman Wilson: In fact, you’ve had sleepovers
with your lawyer, Alan Shore. Isn’t that right?
Alan Shore: Objection.
Denny Crane: Never had sex.
ADA Norman Wilson: You sleep in the same bed as . . .
buddies.
Denny Crane: Yeah.
ADA Norman Wilson: And you two have “special time”
every night together on your balcony, is that right?
Denny Crane: And what’s wrong with that?
ADA Norman Wilson: checking his notes You refer to
each other as “flamingos.”
Alan Shore tries to look at ADA Norman Wilson’s notes, when Denny Crane looks at him and:
Denny Crane: Did you tell him this?
Alan Shore: W—I didn’t. What’s the point? This is irrelevant.
Denny Crane: It’s called “male bonding.” You never heard of that?
ADA Norman Wilson: Oh, I know all about “male bonding.” Now, let me see if I get this. You’re a man who
sleeps with other men, you just so happen to signal another man to have sex with you in a bathroom, but it’s all
just a big coincidence. You sometimes refer to yourself as a “flamingo,” but you’re not gay.
11
Denny Crane: Damn right, I’m not!
Judge Clark Brown smiles, knowingly.
ADA Norman Wilson: I think I get the picture. rolls his eyes Nothing further sits down
Paul Lewiston and Alan Shore exchange “We’re sunk” glances.
Crane, Poole & Schmidt: Library
Katie Lloyd is startled when she removes a few
law books and sees Lorraine Weller on the
other side.
Katie Lloyd: Good heavens, you frightened me!
Lorraine Weller: Just now, or do I frighten you in
general, Katie? You’ve been quite a curious girl.
steps around the bookshelves What’s going on,
Katie?
Katie Lloyd: What’s going on is you’re not who
you say you are. I know I’ve seen your face. I
don’t know your real identity, but I know you’ve
only been Lorraine Weller since 1997, when you
entered the University of Chicago Law School.
Lorraine Weller: So, you know my secret.
Katie Lloyd: No, I knew no part of it.
Lorraine Weller: I used to be somebody else.
Katie Lloyd: Who?
Lorraine Weller: I’m not gonna tell you that; it
could cost me my life.
Katie Lloyd frowns.
Lorraine Weller: checks to see if anyone else is
listening I married a man from Pakistan 12 years
ago. I was unfaithful to him, which he discovered.
There have been several honor killings in Muslim
communities in London. I am from London. My
co-adulterer was killed in an automobile accident.
I believe the next accident was going to happen to
me, so I fled London, changed my name, began a new life here. I’m told by my friends my husband is still looking
for me.
Katie Lloyd: Does Alan Shore know this?
Lorraine Weller: No, and I would beg you not to tell him.
Judge Victoria Thompson’s Courtroom
Bethany Horowitz: It’s a business, Judge. Talk
shows, news shows—they’re all in it for the
same thing. Money. If he wants to insult
people, fine. But it better be good for sales.
Howard Stern is funny; people like him, he can
say what he wants. Don Imus—not so funny.
And “nappy hair” was bad for the bottom line.
It’s the same thing here. WWEN was faced with
advertiser pullout because of what Bob Binder
said. And, by the way: What’s wrong with
cleaning up the airwaves a little? I’m sick of
these so-called journalists cloaking their hatemongering
and bigotry in the American flag and
calling it, “free speech.” Why can’t a radio station
fire an employee for spewing out despicably
immoral crap? Maybe that’s what Americans are really calling for here. About time!
Judge Victoria Thompson shakes her head as Bethany Horowitz sits, and Shirley Schmidt rises.
Shirley Schmidt: Was what my client said really so bad? It’s interesting she mentions Howard Stern; my client
was asked by his station to be more like Howard. Howard Stern asked on the air, “So if you’re half-Arab and half-
12
Jewish do you negotiate with the sheep before having sexual relations with them?” She also mentions Don Imus;
Viacom seems to have no problem with Imus referring to Arabs as “ragheads.” In 2004, he referred to Simon &
Schuster—the book publishers—as “Jews who steal,” then he apologized for the remark as being “redundant.”
Uh, Glenn Beck—he’s on CNN, “The most trusted name in news”—he’s referred to the Katrina survivors as a
vulgarity I’m not allowed to repeat here. He also said he didn’t think it possible to hate any victims faster than the
9-11 victims. These so-called journalists are everywhere; and frankly I wouldn’t mind seeing most of them gone,
but it’s one thing to curtail racist or hateful remarks. It’s quite another to censor political content. What Bob
Binder said may have been offensive, but it was
also legitimate public debate. Ironically, one the
public and the Presidential candidates refuse to
engage in. If the older demographic has more
economic power to affect the outcome of the
Presidential elections, and the government is
spending most of its money on the older
demographic— Gee, shouldn’t somebody be
discussing this? A press—a free press—has
always been vital to a democracy. Not just when
they serve the bottom line, but perhaps especially
when it doesn’t. Your Honor, reporters actually
lost their jobs for criticizing the war. Thirty-five
percent of today’s journalists say newsworthy
stories are sometimes shunned if they’ll hurt the
financial interests of their news organizations! In
America?! Our free press? This man got fired from
a news talk show for expressing a political idea.
Are we really okay with that? Really?
Judge Clark Brown’s Courtroom
ADA Norman Wilson: Look. We have a lot of this illicit, illegal, and—
yes—immoral activity going on not behind closed doors, but in public
areas. Kids go in these bathrooms sometimes. Are we gonna look
the other way just because he is Denny Crane? Oh, come on! He
went in, looked under the stall, saw somebody, entered the adjacent
stall, pushed his briefcase forward, slid his foot over, tapped his foot,
then—the humming. By coincidence? This is shameful. Even more
so if we excuse it, just because he is a high-profile lawyer who thinks
that he should be above the law. nods at the jury, and sits
Denny Crane: grabbing Alan Shore’s hand and whispering Alan,
don’t save the world. Just get me off. Can ya do that, please?
Alan Shore: also whispering Denny, when you hold my hand, it’s
just as thrilling as the very first time. But the jury could get the wrong
idea.
Denny Crane drops Alan Shore’s hand, and Alan buttons his jacket, preparing for battle closing
arguments.
Alan Shore: I’m sorry. I never heard of much gay prostitution
going on in men’s rooms. I mean, maybe in a park or in a
club, but a courthouse? Huh. There’s certainly a lot more of
the heterosexual kind going on elsewhere, most of which we
turn a blind eye to. There’s even talk of legalizing it in Vegas.
So, is there something especially offensive about gay
prostitution? We know Washington certainly feels that way—all
those “family values” senators had nothing to say about David
Vitter, the Louisiana senator who was caught in a prostitution
ring. I guess because he had the decency to visit only female
hookers. So, uh, let me see. grabs a piece of paper off his
defense table All right. We’ve got 29 current or recent
members of Congress accused of spousal abuse. Twentyseven
have been arrested for driving under the influence.
13
Nineteen current or recent members accused of writing bad checks; fourteen have drug-related arrests; eight
busted for shoplifting, seven for fraud; four for theft; three for assault—but Larry Craig’s the one they simply must
broom for tapping his foot in a men’s room! And why are we paying the police to tap back? With all this terror
business and these security crises going on in airports, why are the police across the country manning bathroom
stalls to play footsie?!
Judge Clark Brown: bangs gavel Mr. Shore, I shall ask you to confine yourself to this case.
Alan Shore: I’m talking about this case. Homophobia has run amuck, Judge! It’s the reason we’re all gathered
here, and it’s preposterous. We’re actually sitting in a courtroom, wasting tax dollars because my client had gas!
He was constipated. He went to remedy his problem in a bathroom—imagine that!—where, lo and behold, three
undercover police officers were lurking, waiting to interpret a tapping foot as a call for gay sex. Now, maybe Larry
Craig deserved his fate; he was thrown in front of the very bus he helped to build, but Denny Crane doesn’t
deserve this. All that he was trying to do was take a crap!
All those assembled gasp at Alan Shore’s use of the vulgar term for defecation. Alan Shore looks at the
jury’s faces, rolls his eyes and walks back to his table, but turns to say one more thing.
Alan Shore: And even if one were to go there, looking for sex, there’s no law against that! The crime is “Soliciting
for a fee”! This complaint doesn’t even allege that any money was involved. As my great-aunt Gert used to say,
“This smells funny, and I’m not going to eat it!”
Judge Victoria Thompson’s Courtroom
Judge Victoria Thompson: The First Amendment refers to state action only; not private companies. If a
government punishes Mr. Binder for saying what he did, that’s censorship. When a private business does so, it’s
editorial control.
Shirley Schmidt: soto voce, to Bob Binder This isn’t going well.
Judge Victoria Thompson: You say something, Ms. Schmidt?
Shirley Schmidt: If I did, I’m sure it wasn’t important, Your Honor.
Judge Victoria Thompson: However—
Shirley Schmidt: again soto voce to Bob Binder There’s the magic word.
Judge Victoria Thompson: Corporations have become the biggest infringers of free expression. It’s been going
on for years, starting with cigarette companies who pull their advertising dollars from any publication that runs an
article about cancer. Beyond that, corporations are using something called “SLAPP suits” to chill free speech.
So, when it comes to truth in this country, the fix is in. As for talk show hosts, the public gets the opinion the
sponsors pay for.
Bethany Horowitz: Your Honor, this is truly riveting, but can you just give us the ruling? Dwarves have limited lifespans.
Judge Victoria Thompson: Judgment for the petitioner. That work for ya?
Bethany Horowitz: Are you on drugs?
Judge Victoria Thompson: He was hired to be a provocateur. He said inflammatory things before; he was
championed by the station for doing so. I’m ruling in favor of the plaintiff on an estoppel theory. Please don’t take
this personal, pipsqueak.
Shirley looks taken aback at Judge Victoria Thompson’s comment.
Bethany Horowitz: I want that on the record. You know, that robe doesn’t give you the authority or the right to
demean me for my size. You barrage balloon!
Bethany Horowitz faces off with Judge Victoria Thompson as the strains of the theme song from“The
Good, The Bad and the Ugly” play in the background.
Bethany Horowitz: Go ahead. What are you gonna do?
Judge Victoria Thompson raises her eyebrows, and smash cut to:
Courthouse Holding Cell
Bethany Horowitz is sitting on a cot. We hear a door
open, and Shirley Schmidt enters.
Shirley Schmidt: Bethany?
Bethany Horowitz: That cannon remark was really below
the belt.
Shirley Schmidt: I’m sorry. It wasn’t my intent to . . . well . .
. stoop to your level, and please don’t take that the wrong
way. It’s just . . . you seem to push my buttons for whatever
reason. Not many people can do that.
Bethany Horowitz: Is it because I was with Denny, and you
14
still love him?
Shirley Schmidt: It could be many things, but not that. The—the
truth is: I bet I could like you. Okay. Not a chance. But I do tip
my hat to you, Bethany. You really are something.
Bethany Horowitz: Thank you.
Shirley Schmidt: Well, have a good night.
Bethany Horowitz: Until we meet again.
Shirley Schmidt: Yes. Until.
Crane, Poole & Schmidt: Jerry & Katie’s Office
Whitney Rome: A fatwa?
Katie Lloyd: Shhh! quickly runs to shut the door
Whitney Rome: Some Pakistani put a hit on her?!
Katie Lloyd: That’s what she said. I have heard of these honor
killings.
Whitney Rome: A fatwa!
Katie Lloyd: Keep your voice down. She asked me to keep her confidence.
Whitney Rome: I’m not keeping it.
Katie Lloyd: Whitney!
Whitney Rome: Suppose her ex-husband shows up here? I’m not going down in some fatwa.
Apparently, Katie Lloyd did not close the door soon enough. Two knocks are heard, and Lorraine Weller
enters.
Lorraine Weller: Hello.
Katie Lloyd: Hello.
Whitney Rome: How’s it goin’?
Lorraine Weller: sighs and crosses her arms What’s going
on?
Whitney Rome: Nothing. Just discussing the Patriots and Red
Sox . . . and fatwas.
Lorraine Weller: I’m disappointed.
Whitney Rome: You’re disappointed. You put us all at risk,
girl. What if your ex-Pakistani blows up the building? Hmm?
That would really disappoint me. In fact, we’d all go to pieces.
Lorraine Weller: I can’t stop you revealing my secrets, if that’s
what you choose to do, but you will jeopardize my life. exits
Whitney Rome: A fatwa?
Judge Clark Brown’s Courtroom
The jury enters, sits.
Denny Crane: Can you imagine? Of all the times
I’ve beaten the rap, to be convicted of public
gayness? I’ll be forced to unregister as a
Republican.
Alan Shore: Republicans would have no problem
with you being gay, Denny, so long as you continue
to persecute homosexuals.
Denny Crane: I hope you’re right.
Judge Clark Brown: Madame Foreperson? The
jury’s verdict is unanimous?
Madame Foreperson: Yes, Your Honor.
Judge Clark Brown: The defendant will please rise.
Madame Foreperson, what say you?
Madame Foreperson: We find the defendant, Denny
Crane, not guilty.
15
Paul Lewiston and ADA Norman Wilson look
disappointed.
Denny Crane: Oh, thank God!
Alan Shore: squeezing Denny Crane’s arm
Congratulations, Denny!
Denny Crane: Ah, could Your Honor find as a
matter of law, that I am not gay?
Judge Clark Brown: Denied! bangs gavel
Adjourned!
Alan Shore: You must be deeply relieved.
Denny Crane: Oh, I could hug you, but I might
get arrested.
Alan Shore: Hug me, anyway!
So, Denny Crane gives Alan Shore a longdistance
hug, and Alan Shore pats his arm
playfully, while ADA Norman Wilson and
Paul Lewiston exchange inscrutable glances.
Paul Lewiston nods to Denny Crane.
Denny Crane: Not gay; not guilty.
Denny Crane’s Balcony
Denny Crane: Tell me the truth. Wouldn’t you hate it if people thought you were gay?
Alan Shore: Well, I’d hate the idea of being perceived as deceitful or dishonest. As for sexual orientation, I—
shrugs, then shakes his head Women are much less guarded around gay men, Denny. You could endear
yourself as a bit of a Trojan horse before surprising them with your . . . Trojan.
Denny Crane: I never thought of that. This could be an advantage. laughs Thank you, Alan. I’m not crazy
about you lumping me with that closet Democrat from Idaho, but . . . Still, thank you.
Alan Shore: Can you believe the DA tried to exploit us for being flamingos?
Denny Crane: Ach, ridiculous! Thank God he didn’t find out we like to dress up as the Lennon Sisters.
Alan Shore: laughs He actually tried to shame us for our sleepovers.
Denny Crane: Bigot! Oh, those homosexuals can’t stand the thought of legitimate male bonding.
Alan Shore: Where’s the tolerance?
Denny Crane: Mmm. Oh, did you hear? Shirley went up against Bethany?
Alan Shore: No.
Denny Crane: Uh, huh. Hmm. God, it’s been so long since I’ve had sex with a dwarf!
Alan Shore: Me, too. Me, too.
Denny Crane: It’s the little things, Alan.
Alan Shore laughs.
Denny Crane: We gotta stop working so much.
Alan Shore: Well, maybe if you could stop getting arrested.
Denny Crane: I’m the problem?
Alan Shore: Oh, you have been causing a fair amount of trouble lately.
Denny Crane: sighs You think I’ve lived the evil life? I womanize, I drink, break the law. Now, to be mistaken for
a . . . a . . . well, you get to be my age, you worry about the afterlife; where you’re heading. You ever think about
those things?
Alan Shore: Sometimes. Then I
remember what Mark Twain said. “You
go to heaven for the climate, but to hell
for the company.” So, no matter what, in
the end—
Denny Crane: We’ll be together.
Alan Shore: Indeed.
Denny Crane: Soulmates in hell. I love
it. raises his scotch glass to salute
Alan Shore I bet they have dwarves in
hell.
Alan Shore: How can they not?
Denny Crane: Suddenly, I’m less afraid of death.
Alan Shore: There you go.
16
Previews:
James Spader: Next, on Boston Legal.
Carl Sack: I am considering going back to New York.
Shirley Schmidt: Oh, come on. This is just like any other firm.
Carl Sack: The things that go on here?!
Judge Clark Brown: The bailiff will take Mr. Shore and Mr. Crane into custody for contempt of court and country!
Alan Shore: I’m gonna join the National Guard.
Military Recruiter: I’m afraid neither of you can join.
Denny Crane: We wanna shoot people!
Whitney Rome: I can’t figure out why you would want to sign on for high-profile cases. Just seems odd for
somebody who’s got a fatwa against her.
Marlene: I am in big trouble, Grammy.
Denny Crane: Okay. Is it me, or is that little thing hot?
Carl Sack: You’re right, Shirley. Just like any other firm.
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